There’s been a lot out lately about surveillance, spying, and phone tapping, with Jay Carney the White House press secretary saying, “The president didn’t know about it until he knew about it.” So what’s the problem? There are a lot of things that go on around here that I don’t know about until I know about them and that’s probably a good thing. I like to consider myself the president of this house, making sure we all have the same amount of money, health care, and cell phones. I even act as a bank from time to time loaning money to my daughter as soon as my wife gives me the cash. We never talk about her paying interest, would be a worthless cause on this end, but the other side of the issue is she won’t borrow on Sunday (religious thingy) but won’t work either. But I digress. Some days I get the feeling there are things going on out in the yard that need surveillance. With twelve inch thick storm windows, (I haven’t had a breath of fresh air since 88’ but we must be saving at least two dollars a month) about the only thing you can hear from inside are cement trucks (if they’re mixing) and car stereos. The trash disappears on Fridays, and I still haven’t figured out what’s going on there. I’d like to know who’s pulling the tops off all our flowers. Some say deer but I’ve never seen one.

A four year old boy lives next door and wanders this way on ballgame Saturdays, worries me he could be the one. There’s also the issue of squirrels mating in at least three large pines, thankfully in the back, but still, we’re not running a bordello for brushy tails around here and that requires proof that it’s actually taking place. They can take that business down the street, literally. A camera or perhaps a personal drone flyover once in a while might solve the mysteries. On the inside, where do I begin? We are considered middle class, at least for a few more months. With that comes shoes and of course we cannot make it with one pair so we wear one pair and leave the other pair where the rest of us can trip over them. Surveillance would show the culprit (probably the one with the most shoes and that would be you know who). A kitchen camera pointed in the direction of the sink would show who insists on putting their dirty dishes in there as opposed to the dishwasher. I have to believe it’s the guy who married my daughter…duh. Will you tell me what type of person refuses to use a glass more than once…for the same drink…water!? A camera would also reveal the person entertaining roaches around here and that would be…you guessed it, the water drinker. A camera, with lights of course, might even show the roaches enjoying “Disney” rides carefully constructed with greasy plates in the sink designed with roach fun in mind. “Hey mom, can I ride the roast beef and gravy plate tonight!?” And of course what I consider to be the homeland security issue of the year. Who’s pooping in the den? It’s not the water drinker. He’s too busy clogging up the main artery in the hall bathroom. So that of course leaves Herkie, male Maltese. No one would believe the female Maltese would do such a thing except me and I can’t prove it without surveillance. So, think about it. With all that’s going on around here right under my nose, why in the world should I care about who our government is spying on across the ocean?  I’m the one who needs the surveillance. A good camera should do it however. Until someone from France, or Germany decides to poop in my den I think I’ll leave the drones and phones to the guys in Tampa and D.C..