I guess you’re all sitting around wondering how you got into such a mess with the family finances. Not me…I know how I got here… financial “planning”. I first picked up on the problem when a financial advisor looked at me, a senior citizen, and asked, “What are your long range plans”? That was last year and I should have moved on then but stuck around for, “we should start saving for your daughter’s college education” (she graduates in the fall) and then I heard, “they’ll be a wedding soon, you’ll want to begin saving for that” (she got married last May). No, the only financial “advice” I’ve ever taken to heart came in the form of a question from my dad, who used to ask me why my brother came home with pockets full of quarters from bagging groceries while I spent the day playing basketball at the gym. “What’s wrong with you?” he would ask. In fact, “what’s wrong with you” became his mantra during my growing up years and we’re not even Buddhists.

Sometimes I wish he had taken one of those positive thinking courses and learned how to say, “What’s right with you?” At least one of us would have felt better. Well, at sixty-one all’s I know is I still haven’t answered that question and as I sit here in a house that’s so tight your ears pop when the doors open, and saving money with the thermostat set to “arctic” I wonder if I ever will. It got so cold in here the other night the artificial flowers died. Money has never been my strong “suit” although I do have some wealthy friends. And I believe that most wealthy people that manage to stay wealthy are either smarter than me or have more energy. I always try to find comfort in the fact that I can most always find something wrong with a wealthy person, although I do have one perfect, wealthy friend. There are bright spots in my economy. For instance; the stock market’s recent roller coaster ride doesn’t bother me as much as some people because my wife’s been that way for years. Up one day, down the next. And just like our economy, if she’s down, a monetary infusion will bring her back up. Of course that can bring on inflation and with the weight gain she’s back down again so... I have this liquor cabinet fully stocked with Perrie.

Drinking lots of water helps keep me fiscally regular and better able to deal with her inflation. We don’t really have a budget here at our house. I get a “quarterly” allowance and by that I mean she doles the money out in small amounts, thinking me playing with quarters might be a way of relieving stress, I suppose. I never make any large purchases anyway and if I want to travel, I always have plenty of change for toll roads. I think of myself as her charity and that makes us both feel good. Dad’s still alive by the way. Saw him the other day. He said, “What’s wrong with you?” I said, “It’s this economy Dad, it’s got me worried I won’t be able to pay the bills.” He looked at me from the corner of his eye and said, “Well, guess you could ask your brother for a loan.” I grinned, “No thanks Dad; I’ve got plenty of quarters.” Our nation seems to be in more of a financial mess than I, which is scary. You’d think with all the financial “advisors” running around in Washington they could get this thing right. Can you lay off a congressperson?

I wonder if Mrs. Obama handles the finances in that house, her being a Harvard grad and all, seems reasonable. Presidents don’t need lunch money though and I guess his driver would pay the tolls. But wouldn’t it be something if she did? “Barrack, here’s two dollars in quarters, now watch that wasteful spending and don’t forget to vacuum the Oval Office.” I have learned how to cut corners here at home but can’t go into those now. The dishwasher’s starting the dry cycle and if I don’t get to it soon I won’t get any beans with the weenies.