A Trip To Utah

Early this year my wife decided we should visit the daughter out in a place called Utah. She said, "Don’t worry, it doesn't get that cold and we'll be sight seeing before you know it." Well, I suppose it goes back to what your definition of “is” is but it got so cold that "sight seeing" became television commercials about Florida beaches and whatever could be seen from the window of a car. It snowed three inches shortly after the plane skidded to a landing in Salt Lake and another three by the time we found the Wal-Mart, where cold weather items like aspirin, Nyquil and Kleenex could be purchased. The wife caught a cold the minute her feet touched the ground in the Minneapolis airport. I know Utah by way of Minnesota sounds weird but we got these cheap tickets in order to see more airports and save money we could lose in Vegas, a mere six hour drive away from Salt Lake, if you can average eighty miles per hour. By the time we landed in Utah, I felt like I was sitting next to a maraschino cherry. The nose blowing had her nose looking large, bulbous and edible. I got her to sleep with a bottle of Nyquil and six reruns of Family Feud. She prefers box wine, (what upper class female doesn't?) but the only wine in Utah comes in the form of grapes so she opted for a couple of Nyquil shots and the Feud. For late night entertainment we turned to "Celebrity Rehab" and watched Gary Busey do his imitation of a reformed addict. Like most of his other performances, this one won't make it to the Golden Globe Awards. He did ride off in a limo though, so I guess he made it home in one piece.

As I said, we flew economy...but, we still managed to be completely humiliated at two different airports. It wasn't just the taking off the shoes thingy at Hartsfield/Jackson, my wife insisted our "carry-on" bag was small enough to fit above the seat and it may have been but we'll never know because it was too heavy to lift that high. I guess she was thinking NASCAR where you can bring in a cooler as big as an upright freezer if you can get it between your legs.
I was taking a much needed "constitutional" break at the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport, when my cell phone started vibrating in "panic text mode". "Hurry up, I read, we're boarding!" Boarding! I'm sitting here with the "cargo bay" open and she wants me to board?! Suffice to say, I didn't get my money's worth and she had the time zones mixed up, putting us on a plane for Salt Lake two hours early. As if that wasn't enough, she wanted to raise a stink with two people she insisted were sitting in our seats! And she was about to pull it off until the flight attendant recognized us for what we were and explained the deal about time zones. It seems the farther you go west the earlier it gets and I'm wondering if I could fly on one of these things long enough to get off the Viagra. And speaking of Salt Lake, does anyone living there over the age of sixteen not have three kids? We saw more kids at Wal-Mart than we did at Disney World and I'll bet my galoshes the State mascot is the rabbit.

Upon arriving at Salt Lake we checked in to the "Frugal Inn" where you can see the wafer thin soap through the towels. However, the water was hot and the heat in the room stayed on till midnight. The microscopic shampoo bottle was plenty for me and when I finished the wife filled the bottle and used it again. Reminds me of the time my brother paid us a visit and drank all the wine from the wine rack...refilling the bottles with colored water. When he left we commenced celebrating with a glass of what we thought was nice claret. That first bottle of wine racked cool-aid was the nastiest stuff I've ever put in my mouth and I wondered then why the cork came out so easily. My brother was one of the most frugal people I've ever known.
They say Robert Redford lives in Utah, but I haven't seen him at the Wal-Mart yet. He probably winters in Roberta or Ft. Valley.