Pay Toilets on Airplanes

The corporate world has always been something of a mystery to me. I had a chance to sell insurance once but the manual loaned to me to learn the business spent two weeks in the rear floor board of my fastback Volkswagen and looked like a frat house Playboy when I gave it back. I had hauled some folks in the back seat who must have used it for a floor mat. But I do know how to read, so when I read about some corporate “genius” wanting to put pay toilets on airplanes I had to ask myself, “Has this idea been researched?” Did he spend some time in the library and check out the demographics of airplane riders? Back in the day, I could have “held it” from Miami to San Francisco. Today I’m lucky to go “non-stop” from the concourse to my seat on the plane. So now I’ve got to tip the cabbie, tip the nice waitress, tip the guy handling my baggage, and make sure I’ve got enough quarters (sounds a little like Jack Benny) left to relieve myself when I board? Don’t we have enough intrusion into our private lives without having to worry about how many quarters we’ll need for the sky high privy? To be honest, it sounded to me like someone stayed up too late, had a few too many “Shirley Temples” and figured they could climb to the top of the airline industry food chain by charging me a fee when I try to hit a round target in a flying phone booth at thirty thousand feet. This guy is obviously on anti-depressants, male, has a prostate the size of a pea and is more concerned about his portfolio than my aim or pocket book. What if I arrive at my seat and find I have only bills in my wallet? Will there be a money changer like they have at laundry mats? Will they want me to bring my own paper? There are some really informative magazines provided on board but the ads are usually too “slick” for me. I suppose I could bring an old Sears/Roebuck catalog on board but that would no doubt require another “contribution” to the airline industry as the catalog must weigh at least fifty pounds, requiring an additional fee of fifteen or so dollars. What about the people in “first class”? Are they going to have to pay more, like they do in taxes? That would seem reasonable. After all, they’ve probably got more access to quarters. Is this the first example of the “change” we’ve all been hearing about? And who determines who gets to go first? Are we to raise our hands and let the flight attendant choose?

That seems like a more fair way to do it. For all the money they want me to spend on this innovative pay toilet, I could buy “Depends Adjustable Underwear” and see the world!

But there’s one person our airline “genius” has failed to factor into this get rich at our expense innovation. It’s not the idiot shoe bomber. It’s the dreaded “cherry bomber”, the fiscally challenged guy on the international flight who spent his last dime for a ticket to Europe and knows he can’t afford to ride the trains. He would probably like nothing better than to see rich, middle aged males suffer through eight hours of urethral torture on a flight over the Atlantic. All because some “genius” made the airline privy pricey and more attractive to terrorists like him. So, we lose another of our basic freedoms as put forth by that hallowed body, the United Nations. I can’t be sure but there’s something in article twelve about no one being subjected to arbitrary interference with his privy or something like that.

I know this article sounds negative and bitter but common sense needs to prevail. We smell each other’s feet every time we fly, isn’t that enough? Is there no room here for some semblance of dignity with regard to the sky high privy or must we be forced to choose between a pack of gum or an embarrassing moment on an airplane somewhere over the Atlantic? Vote no on the airline “privy tax”!