Published Sept. 30th

If you don’t think we’re in trouble with this ISIS terrorism threat, consider this. Terrorists are as much like the fire ant as any enemy we’ve ever had and the fire ant continues to be a terror to southern homeowners, with no solution in sight. They came across our southern border at Mobile, Al., in the late 1930s, according to my research, which I learned how to do at the Georgia Southern library while flunking out and trying to pick up coeds at the same time. It can be done. But I digress. The fire ant will kill anything it doesn’t like or understand as will the terrorist, but there are some differences. While the ISIS terrorist appears to enjoy the company of many women as wives, the fire ant’s “wife” kills him after “relations”. There may be something to this.  So with the exception of praying and the “relations” thing and who knows what those devils are doing down in their holes, the similarity is inescapable. We’re coming to the close of a twenty year war here at my homeland against these homegrown thugs and, as I’ve told my neighbors who refuse to see the threat, “The fire ant is coming to a mound, rotten log or bed of weeds near you.” 

As a means of personally preparing for the war that must continue, I’ve been taking notes from our fighting forces in Iraq and Syria lately and am hopeful some of the techniques used in those wars will serve my family well here on the home front. I like the term “degrade and destroy” but prefer “stomp, squish and slaughter” with just a wee bit of revenge for all the terror. This all has to be done of course before they go underground, hide amongst their own kind and take over the whole yard. They currently have commandeered territory the size of a hot tub and are spreading toward my northern and eastern borders, Mrs. Smith’s place and Bret Ivey’s little patch of heaven respectively. We are a coalition of three but could use a few more folks. Problem is, unless they’re being terrorized directly, the neighbors don’t see the need to spend money on defending their yards. Plus they’ve told me if we just ignore them they will probably go away. “Don’t want to make them mad” is what I heard at the last driveway summit. Truth is, they stay mad and that’s probably why they’re red. It’s probably a blood pressure issue. Dropping a few off in the neighbor’s yards might encourage them to get involved but that would be unethical and probably not politically correct. But it would only take one of those “lone wolves” to help them see the need to get on board with the coalition of three. These things can swarm on you (think Mosul, Iraq) or strike as one and get your attention right quick. The truth is the coalition does not appear to be working and so this is going to be a unilateral effort by me. I’ve thought about a “shock and awe” strategy with gasoline and a match but quickness left me years ago and I could trip and blow myself up. Pinpoint bombing with hot candle wax is fun but ineffective as they’ll just dig out somewhere else. 

Then there’s the scientific method of using the ol’ laser through the magnifying glass technique but that seems cruel and unusual. I could use a “real deal” waterboarding method where I don’t play around but actually drown the suckers (well, after all, we’re not seeking information here) but the “sympathetic six”, the neighbors who refuse to join the coalition, frown when they see me with the hose because they know I’m not watering the grass and can be doing only mean things to the ants. Besides, the little weasels are very effective floaters, riding the water until their six feet touch the ground. I’ve thought about trying to change their ideology by inserting peace loving black ants in their communities but once the black ants enter the mound they’re either converted to radical red ant ways or killed. I suppose the only answer is the federal government. I wonder what Attorney General Holder is thinking about for retirement? Naw, as bad as this place is, it ain’t Ferguson.