An occasional nap is a wonderful thing. I like to take my naps on Saturday afternoons with the house empty of people, a cool breeze coming through the window, and a fan on to drown out any noises that would cause the dogs to bark. These two dogs know the Saturday afternoon schedule better than I, the signal for naptime being the closing of the laptop. Then I find them waiting on me in the bed. The key element here is the fan. Without the fan, the dogs will bark…and continue to bark until whatever is causing the noise moves on down the road. They’re Maltese and that’s what they do…bark.
I would have to be an air traffic controller to sleep through the racket these two can make when a truck moves past the house. Speaking of which, those controllers have got to get some sleep off the job…so the rest of us can get some sleep. How on earth they can sleep at an airport is beyond me. I have trouble sleeping in a motel room, shades drawn, air wide open and no noise whatever. You have to wonder how they get the job of air traffic controller in the first place.
It might go something like this: “Hello Mr. (your name here) welcome to the Air Traffic Control Testing Facility. You were chosen because of your ability to count sheep, eat donuts, drink large quantities of coffee and sleep and this is where we find out just what you are capable of sleeping through, how long you can sleep through it and what it takes to wake you up. Now go down that hall and you’ll find a room full of comfortable upright chairs, with coffee, donuts and a monitor provided. On the monitor will be all sorts of airplanes (not real ones of course) moving back and forth, back and forth. You are to sit upright, drink at least two cups of coffee and stare at the planes until you go to sleep. Based on our research that should take between five and six minutes, and that’s when the actual exam will begin. A signal will be given and a squadron of B-52s will pass over this facility, followed by a Blue Angel breaking the sound barrier at tree top level, and one helicopter, plus the phone will ring every five minutes. When and if you awaken, you get to watch an action flick and if you sleep during that, we have an airport waiting for you. Oh, did we mention the music? The Atlantic City Convention Hall Organ (loudest musical instrument known to man) will be used to replace the violins used in “Concerto for 2 Violins in D Minor” by Bach” and played over the intercom during testing.” As anyone can see, passing the exam would be a feat in itself.
Years ago I tested for air traffic control in the Air Force so I know something about how it goes. I qualified, which scares me to death thinking that someone like me might be directing planes over a major airport. The stress of watching hundreds of planes each day narrowly missing each other while one drinks coffee and eats donuts has got to be tremendous. Plus, I’m one of the few people I know who’s fallen asleep during sex. I took the burden of possibly firing me off the Air Force and went into recreation instead. It’s hard to sleep when you’ve got balls coming at you. But, if I were in charge of our controllers I would insist on no fans. The humming of the fan is too similar to the sound of an aircraft engine and if they weren’t sleeping already they would be soon. Keep the AC off and invest in some Maltese and that should do the trick. It looks like we’re going to keep our feet on the ground for the next few years.
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