Monday, October 20, 2014

Published Sept. 16th

We seem to have lost all sense of common sense as we see a huge debate raging on whether or not to practice the left hook on the wife and beat the living daylights out of the kids. Common sense would tell one that neither of those activities stands a chance of turning out well. I suggest potential victims put cameras in the home wired to a security company. If two folks are spitting and fuming on a public elevator only God knows what’s going on at the house. As for the Middle East, it’s like watching that old game show, “Who Do You Trust”. And while I was going to make a prediction on Israel vs Hamas for the Middle Eastern Championship it seems we have a winner, Israel, and a loser, Jimmy Carter. Seems the more things change, the more they stay the same. I don’t claim to have a degree in whatever one studies to be an “expert” in foreign affairs but I do know you do not mess with God’s people. As for the other issues over there, the only good news is watching the Fox News girls talk about it. “I have lusted in ma’ heart” but learned a lot about the price of oil. Well, enough of that. Let’s talk about something that affects us all, something closer to home and that would be the “floater” (s). Not what you think. A true floater is something that can wreck your confidence, your sleep, your marriage, and your sanity and I’m sure Middle Eastern folks have these things as well as seen through the burqa. 

Maybe that’s something we can have in common besides a love of rocketry and explosives.  The floater can appear at any time but prefers a little light with a little black background. When conditions are right, the floater can appear as a spider, ant, Uncle Bob, or Aunt Jesse. It can drift across the eyeball at a most inopportune time and disappear somewhere in the corner of the eye only to reappear when least expected. Floaters can appear as gnats or mosquitoes when you’re playing golf and about to drain the big one for a dollar. I once watched a reputable three handicapper swat a floater and miss a three foot putt in one of those fundraising golf tournaments.  He asked for a “do-over” on the putt and was handed a can of bug spray. But seriously, it cost him a dollar. The after bedtime floater can appear as a mouse on the venetian blinds or a large spider on the pillow. I’ve been sleeping with the same person for thirty-four years off and on with the floater only recently entering our boudoir, a place reserved for those special nights that one cannot remember without hypnosis. We generally sleep soundly after “Words with Friends” which we play against each other (she likes to keep four games going at the same time so she can beat me “really good”), separated by a pillow and whichever dog decides he/she can claim the middle of the bed. Sleep eventually comes and the floater enters my side of the bed around one or two in the morning, and hangs in the air above the wife and dog.

 I don’t have any idea how long this thing is hanging there before I sit up, drugged with sleep aids, but he’s large, agile, threatening and his web seems to extend to D.C. where I’m sure they have their share of illusions. I seem to be the only person/pet in the room that can see this thing and so I grab the wife and scream some incoherent nonsense while holding her down for protection (mine). If the thing is going to get anyone it’s going to be her and I don’t want her going anywhere. She then treats me like the fool I am for thinking there could possibly be a large spider hanging over the bed and asks if I’ve had a Tylenol PM or what! She knows when I take a couple of those on a full supper pre-bedtime, all bets are off. Throw in a glass of wine or three and Katy-bar-the door! Getting up to relieve the old prostate is a day at the beach compared to fighting the floaters on sleep aids.

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