Old New Year Has His Say on '12 Resolutions

Well, Happy New Year, from the Old New Year! Yeah, it’s me ... again. How do I know it’s me? Well, ’cause I ain’t no different than the New Year from last year.


I realize for the next few days I’m not very welcomed around these parts, but ’til Sunday morning rolls around I intend on having my say and letting y’all know this Ol’ New Year ain’t going out without a struggle.

Actually, I’m wondering what the heck happened, although I should be used to this stuff, ’cause the same dadburned thing happens every single year. Ya’ll remember last year? Here came New Year and the “resolutions.” Not talking about that band ya’ll danced to ... talking about those things you made up when things were going good last Dec. 31.

See, New Year was all about having fun, losing weight, reading a book a week, planting some plants, adopting something that needed adopting and in general, saving the planet. Well, helloooooo. Look at me now! Old New Year, a little older a little wiser and trotting in here on a Wednesday before this next New Year, looking just about like I did last year. Don’t go looking away! I know you remember me.

Let’s be honest and I’ll go first. Truth is I ain’t read the first book with the exception of a catalog, I’m so far in debt I have to look up to look down, and if I could lose 10 pounds I’d give up smoking. Smoking jumped up and caught me by surprise disguised as a doggone pipe! I had the smoking resolution in there ... just didn’t think about the pipe thing. In addition, the planet still appears to be on its way to hell in a handbasket (just ask anybody) and the only things I ended up adopting were some of New Year’s resolutions! Total waste of time.

There’s other habits you can get into but I don’t have time to go into all of ’em now. Except, just between you and me, I hear that Internet is a good resource for habits. ’Course you won’t hear anything about those things from New Year. And speaking of New Year! People, New Year is getting ready to put the same scam on you that came around this time last year whilst you was dancin’ and prancin’ to either the Bee Gees (love me some Bee Gees), Johnny Taylor (my personal favorite) or the Bieber (Lord, have mercy; now there’s a bad habit for ya).

The truth is this has been going on since New Year’s ’01. See, Old New Year, that’s me, invented the word “res-o-lu-shun.” That’s right. I’ll admit it. We, (me and New Year), got together -- oh, I guess it was around the time of Adam -- and I let New Year talk him right out of the garden. New Year said next year would be better if he, Adam, was in charge of everything from recreation to Internet sites. Well, we had no idea how long the boy would live. You can plainly see why we’re headed straight for the fire pit! After a time and a million resolutions or so, Ol’ Adam found himself “on the outside lookin’ in” (love Little Anthony too) and Eve cursing the day she ever heard of New Year’s. So this year Old New Year (that would be me) got together with New Year and decided to limit resolutions to one. She (of course, she’s a she!) said, “Let’s tell folks if those old resolutions didn’t work in the Old New Year, just try again. You know, being more persistent can be a resolution too.” Happy New Year Y’all!