Earring Microphones

There appears to be a magic number of dollars that when attained causes temporary insanity. The number could involve things such as assets, savings, inherited wealth, publicity shots ... who knows? What we do know, through extensive Internet research, is that it seems to affect both males and females, is no respecter of race or ethnicity and sends the possessor (who is already in another world and has been for a while) into a spiral of lust, degradation and either binge eating or starvation equaled only by others of this persuasion.

Let’s be honest, flying from L.A. to Soho for makizushi would make anyone a little screwy.

You can get fairly raw fish down by the river, when you think about it. But I digress.

Howard Hughes was probably the first person to come under scrutiny by the media when he attained heights of weirdness because of large sums of money. Howard set the standard for absurd behavior, and he set the bar very high — so high in fact that no one would believe the heights today’s weirdos attain when they hit the number. If not for the miracle of the earring microphone, I doubt ol’ Mel Gibson would have believed it himself. We’ll get to that later. The smartest of these folks seem to dodge the insanity by finding ways to give their money away before they hit the magic number. The number of dollars one would have to accumulate is probably somewhere in the neighborhood of a half billion. Once that number is achieved, the owner of the number goes nuts.

It is an equal opportunity number. Elvis hit it after the concert in Hawaii, and Michael Jackson got there sometime in the ’80s. Gibson may have hit it shortly after his last film, if current news can be trusted.

Bill Gates gives a lot of money to charity, making him exempt. Jimmy Buffet does free concerts for all sorts of causes, rendering him immune as well. And Oprah Winfrey opens up schools, so she’ll be fine. These few have kept themselves immune by being charitable, but there are many very close, say within $300 million or so, who bear watching.
Several of the “lucky” ones are in alcohol rehab, divorce court or have children living at home, which keeps them from hitting the magic number. Britney Spears and Paris Hilton come to mind. I am probably one of the luckiest people I know because I would have to live forever and remain employed to accumulate that kind of money. It’s not going to happen.

But, with Gibson we have a wonderful opportunity to see just how out of kilter these people can get. The first indication, after careful revue of the earring tapes, came when he allegedly said, “I need a woman” to his former girlfriend. He must have been really close to her ear when he said it because it sure came out clear.

The second came when she must have somehow spoken into her own ear and said, “You need medication.” I have to believe ol’ Mel has had all the “medication” he can stand, which may be another part of the equation.

Now before you get all weepy on me — I’m not the one who hit the number — that was Gibson, and anyone who can make a successful movie with letterbox has got to be smart enough to know his former girlfriend may be wearing erring microphones. I’m sure Gibson, at some point in his life, realized there are cameras and microphones everywhere these days, but when he hit the magic number he simply forgot. Now, instead of being able to enjoy days on the beach and nights getting drunk, he may have to go back to work.

Hearing about these folks on the news makes me want to go home, feed the dogs, wash the car and mow the lawn. Oh, guess I’d better check the wife’s jewelry box first.